Things were good when we were young
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Been dipping into my past. Would like to see some people and can't, and other I feel more like I need to see them more than I want to. I know its no good to dwell on your history but I also feel like there is no good way to move forward without some kind of closure.
I don't know. Things are getting to me right now that don't normally. And maybe it is because I haven't met anyone new or made any new friends in a while that I am wanting to dig up old ones(more exes than friends). I guess my life just needs a little flavor right now.
School is great, I can't get over how much I love it but everything else is so up in the air. And that shit bothers me. I can't get a grasp on anything, make plans or get comfortable. But at the same time is this constant state of agitation pushing those i am fortunate to have around me away?
All I know is I need to get my shit together.
And Alanna, Nora, Geoff and Melissa. I miss you guys and would really love to see you soon.
Friday, May 25, 2012
8:49AM - Balls to the Walls
Things I want to do this SHORT three week summer break that I get:
Play Harley Quinn's Revenge
Play some Boarderlands
Read at least two books
Learn to surf
Clean this nasty apartment
Get a new planner and get creative
Read all the Buffy Comics ever
Get caught up on my shows
Get a head start on my homework for next quarter
Work on my graphic novel!!
Get mom down here!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
8:29PM - Fast Rant
My sister is a bitch.
School is getting intense.
Living with roommates just fucking sucks.
I have no money.
I am now a vegetarian.
I've lost five pounds.
Most days I hate my job.
I'm a little scared of advancing in my life.
I'm excited to learn to surf this summer.
I'm glad to have my brain twin back.
The gym is an addictive escape.
Friday, January 6, 2012
6:25PM - movies
took some time today to watch some trailers and get caught up with what is out (since i don't have television) and I have to say I am both excited and very disappointed.
Bet your ass I will be in line at the midnight premieres of both Batman and The Avengers, but the casting for some of these movies just falls short. I don't agree with Anne Hathaway being Catwoman or replacing Edward Nortan with Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner. I really hope they don't ruin the movie for me. Not to mention how good Snow White and the Huntsman looks, but really? Kristen Stewart is SO not believable to be anywhere near prettier than Charlize Theron. And I can't stand Kristen Stewart. She is the reason I didn't see The Runaways.
I have to say though I do play on seeing Beauty and the Beast in theaters and Men in Black 3.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
6:06PM - new year
I had so much hope for this one and i have been holding up my end of the bargain, but 2012 is already letting me down. Everything is becoming such a struggle. With the exception of josh and mom, everything else in my life is extremely hard to deal with right now and i don't know what to do about it. I'm so close to convincing my mom of moving down here and i might be moving out of my complex? i'm trying to stay calm and positive and not freak out from stress. i could use all the positive energy anyone could spare!
Monday, November 7, 2011
two things happened to me today that really got me thinking about myself. Josh and I were talking about how we first started dating and how we were personality wise back then. I was working graveyard. I was a size ten wearing red lipstick every day and driving my camaro, while taking automotive classes at mcc. Then today when we were leaving for barnes n noble i noticed a 79 camaro outside in the parking lot of the apartment complex. I just had to take a long good look at it and josh took a phone call and stepped away. it was all fixed up and GORGEOUS. I must have been staring to long cause the owner came out in his camos and started talking to me about it. He introduced himself and we were talking about his car and mine and it was really the first time that I've seen josh jealous, even though it wasn't really jealous. He just introduced himself and made sure to call me sweetie to establish himself. Honestly though, that car was amazing. he even was nice enough to start it for me and i needed some new underwear.
but it really got me thinking. i don't wear my lipstick anymore, and don't have that many friends either. I want to go to car shows and roller derbies. I need to dig out my hot rod magazines. I need more tattoos. i use to be more interesting. at least i think. i want to do more things, like rock climb, go ice blocking again, I want to go to Boston just to see a red socks game. I want to go to concerts. I want to jump. off a roof into a pool, or off a cliff into a lake. on a trampoline.
At least i can start wearing my lipstick again right away. I'm pretty sure i'm going to the roller derby on the 12th. I'm watching my favorite movie American Graffiti which helps.
my main setback is money. i don't have the money to do these things. i don't have enough for school let alone enough to be myself. On the other hand, if i need to be myself i can find the means to do so. just takes some good thrift store hunting and knowing people.
I've been thinking about my past a lot lately. I'm in the car alone for three to five times a week for at least a half an hour at a time so i start to think and then get inside my head and then i realize five minutes later that i'm still driving and its a little scary.
i think about james and how bad i feel about actually dating for four months when i actually didn't like him.
i think about scott and how it would have never ever worked out because he is nine years older than me and has commitment issues since his wife cheated on him. it doesn't matter how awesome rockabilly he is or that his last name was Booe and if we got married i would be Becka Booe.
I think about stan and all the possible reasons we would decide to stop talking and seeing me without an explanation. he can apologize to me on facebook, but can't meet with me to explain what the hell happened when i thought everything was going well.
i think about geoff and how i did that to him, but didn't really mean to. not wanting to jump into anything serious after being hurt but having that feeling there. i really handled it the wrong way. doesn't matter though cause i know he's happy now.
then i think of andy and i get soooo mad. I get mad about the things that he did to me. i get mad that they outweigh any good things that happen. i get mad that i still get so mad about him. i get mad that i use up so much energy thinking about him. i use up so much energy being mad about all of it, i hate it. i don't want to even care anymore. i'm tired of that being a deal at all.
i wish that i could see them all and get things out and behind me. i'm ready to be a different person. one that is better at communication, feelings and relationships. i'm ready to be a person who is honest and forgiving.
I started to when i came clean about everything with my family. I told them everything i've been holding back and i do feel the weight off my shoulders. i feel so relieved even though they haven't changed anything. i don't expect them to open up to me but part of the reason i was so upset and i know that they were was because i didn't feel that i could go to them with these things. and i don't. i don't feel like i can go to them for comfort or support with anything. but they aren't trying to change that. they aren't trying to be the kind of person i can go to, the kind of family that is supportive.
i just need to make sure that i am that type of person that people can feel that way about.
i don't know where i was going but i feel a changing coming on. i just need to be a little less lazy. already started down that road. finally dyed some of my hair purple. pretty happy with myself.
Monday, October 31, 2011
9:22PM - graphic novel
okay so my idea for graphic novel:
pretty much like present day. A college student in her twenties. Maybe into rockabilly, maybe a pin-up model, definitely an athlete but very girly and heavy. Her mom died when she was in her early teens (maybe part of her inspiration) and her dad use to be a cop and is now a private detective.
after a few failed attempts at being a girl vigilante, being laughed at and beat up she becomes Batman. not Batgirl not Batwoman but Batman. she tapes down her chest and stuffs her suit. she actually intimidates and scares criminals.
she also has her own crime fighting posse. A guy friend who is way good at computers and math (dad is an accountant), and a girl friend who is a mechanic, majors in engineering and invents all her devices. Mechanic friend is in a wheelchair, parents are an architect an in construction.
main villain is a joker type latina girl who majors in chemistry, anatomy and physiology. she is a real tomboy who doesn't let down her hair or wear make up until she is out being the villain.
they all go to college together. main character and villain type don't know each others alter egos, but have feelings for each other.
Eventually they find out that villain girl was involved with the drive by shooting that injured the mechanic friend.
Main character goes to school for criminology and physcology and gets her interest and skills in detective work from her dad.
I was thinking that maybe eventually they find out that Batman wasn't actually just a fictional comic character but a real vigilante.
I need more plot ideas and character ideas (mainly villains). i will accept all criticism.
I wanted to have a story where the main character is more heavy, sexy and a real badass. i don't consider it fanfiction since I came up with the characters, its the Batman role that I am taking. I was researching the girlfriend in the refrigerator theory and wanted something that outweighs all of those instances. something that provides a great role model. I understand the message that she has to become a man in order to gain respect isn't a great one, but she could eventually show her feminine side.
I pretty much combined a batman story with veronica mars with buffy and winry from full metal.
So I've decided to dedicate my weekends to working on my graphic novel. I hadn't realized how much time research, brainstorming and character/plot development take. Not to mention drawing and redrawing everything. Even though I may not draw the final product I still need basic forms and visuals for everything. I know that mentioning this project to many people the reaction I will get is that it will take time away from my studies and schoolwork but the truth is that it won't. I have been using the weekends for me time and planned on using them for work when I get a job, so using them on this is actually a productive manner. Besides, I use it as a creative outlett and stress relief. Not only am I drawing for recreation(which I haven't done in a very long time) but I am working on scratching off something on my bucket list. This project is completely selfish. I'm not creating it for the world to become successful, famous or make anyone else happy besides myself. I just wish I had more brainstorming buddies. Only Sam pitches ideas back to me. I tried the roommates thinking with their extensive knowledge of comics and batman that they could bring something to the table but I barely received a hint of interest. They wouldn't be my audience anyway, but I could use the expertise. I also hope that it isn't considered fan fiction either. I worked mostly on characters this weekend, and I really need to work on story cause I don't have much, but unfortunatly for me the weekend is over and I will have to wait till saturday. If anyone wants to know what it is about and give me some feedback, ideas or opinions I will gladly post all my characters and plot lines so far.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Two awesome words: pregnant Harley. I want to draw a few ideas I have in my head. I need more sketchbooks, all I buy I use for school.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
So far this year:
started going to school at the Art Institute, studying what I love
Quit at Denny's
Moved in with sister
Read "a dirty job" and "the road"
went to a roller derby match
met my sister's father
joined the interior design club
what I plan to do:
move back to oceanside
improve all of my relationships-starting with my family
improve my health
improve my communication skills
stop being so lazy
work on my stress management
work on my budgeting (downsizing, living within my means)
I'm actually looking forward to the immediate future. I may not be living the way that I"m use to but I am trying to be a little more selfish, more honest, fill in some gaps and tie up loose ends.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
11:02PM - vlog?
So I have an idea to start a vlog online, it would be for family and friends that I don't get to see often or are across the country. I would update them on school and things, and even Josh's family and things that he is doing. I could incorporate videos from things we do or family events (ie. Amanda's baby shower today) and it would be a way for me to keep in touch and keep things interesting. It is what our generation is all about anyways, right? I need to get more up to date with technology and start utilizing it better. I want Sam to help me edit them so they look legit, I just hope she doesn't have too much on her plate right now.
I'll let you know how it goes and start posting them when I get one done. Let me know what you think!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I'm really excited that my computer is up and running in fantabulous condition again. The only downer is that I lost all of my saved pictures and bookmarks, so I know I'm going to be spending endless hours of my free time trying to get those back, along with some of my real pictures that didn't save either.
This summer is going to be great though. My eating healthier and exercise has already lost me 15lbs, my toe is almost completely healed and I should have my braces off by my birthday! Not only that but I finally got my tattoo of books that I have been wanting forever and I have a newer, don't wait for things to happen attitude. I want to have more experiences and travel, so I'm going to do it. I want to make more friends and become closer to the ones that I have. I want to keep a 4.0 GPA at school. It is all going to happen. I'm going to make it happen. I am going to grab life by the balls, I hope life has showered recently.
I would want a flying bison with an arrow on his head.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I've decided that I need more guy friends. I need more friends in general but I need more guy friends. I only seem to have a bunch of guy friends when I'm single. As soon as I start dating they all disappear. I want to find my friend Nick but I haven't seen him in almost a year I don't know his last name, if he is still in Oceanside or any of his contact info. I guess I could contact some people in moval for when I go up there to visit on Monday. We will see. At least I will be on school vacation so I will be distressed and more energetic. Can't wait til this weekend, I finally got my tax return!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Longest relationship I've had started today. Captain we are headed into new territory. Any advice Mr. Spock?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I need more guy friends. Half that I had moved away and the other half turned out to not have such great character.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tomorrow is my last final and then I am done with Miracosta College. I think. For now. January I will be starting at the Art Institute of Orange County in their Interior Design program. I am really super excited about it I just wish that I had the money to take more than two classes. I'm gonna have to really work on getting some scholarships. Money really sucks right now.
On a positive note I made my last car payment this month, and to counteract that I start payments on my orthodontics, which are just a little more than my car payment each month. Whatever, paying off my car will help my credit, and my teeth are an investment. A new bed and tattoos will have to wait. Christmas will be not full of presents, but that really doesn't bother me, I'd like it to be more about family anyways.
so my body is really exhausted from working but my mind wants to be really productive right now. I need to pass out fliers about the blood drive in Jan, I need to close some bank accounts and open others. I need to study for this final, do laundry, clean, eat, workout. I want to go through my new magazine and watch Veronica Mars.
I'm kind of mad about that show though. Only three seasons, and the last one wasn't very good. She should have ended up with Logan, but I got the sense that the writers wanted the audience to want Veronica to be with her first boy, Duncan. Maybe its just me but he is lame. Just like in Buffy, her and the Angel thing, when I wanted her to be with Spike. Why don't they want the hot guy that is in love with them? I know I'm keeping my totally hot guy who is in love with me.
Although I'm also wanting to watch some documentaries that I recently added to my netflix Q. I'm also wanting to make more book purses but I need more books and Mako's help, cause they are not as good when I do them myself. Plus with Natalie Portman sporting a book purse at her new movie premiere, I'm sure they could sell really well.
But alas, I must do what I can tonight, maybe be up late since I don't have work tomorrow, but as long as I get a C in statistics I'm golden.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
my new favorite hairstyle is this lady's:
Her name is Raquel Reed and she is a model, her style is way too scene for me, but I love her hair. And her apartment. I really need to get out of Denny's so I can do something like this.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Written by the hysterical guys at RUMINATIONS.com
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
17. Was learning cursive really necessary?
18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories
32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
38. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
43. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
47. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
48. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
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